♦  Another celebrity with tax problems:  “William Shakespeare was a ‘ruthless businessman’ and tax dodger, researchers have claimed. Although he wrote plays that championed the rights of the poor and the needy, archived documents show the playwright was actually a wealthy landowner repeatedly dragged before the courts and fined for illegally stockpiling food and threatened with jail for evading taxes.” Daily Mail, 3-31-13

♦  What I do resent are stupid tax forms that are badly written and impossible to understand. I hope the IRS agent looking at my tax return understands I’m just kidding. Andy Rooney, Commentator on CBS 60 Minutes

♦  All Israel was “dismayed and terrified” [at Goliath’s challenge] and, not surprisingly, there were no volunteers until the young harpist and poet, David, stepped forward. Now why would he be that foolish? Because Saul promised that the man who slays Goliath will receive riches, the king’s daughter, and exemption from all taxes! “Riches” is a relative term that could mean anything, and we all know that most women were virtually chattel, a dime a dozen, in the Bible, so it had to be the tax exemption that drove David to risk his life! –Conrad Rosenberg

♦  Most of us treat the Internal Revenue Service as if it were an ancient and powerful god. We pay tribute through payroll deduction. We perform the annual ritual of the tax forms. We bring forth sacrifices and homage on its chosen day of April 15. We dread provoking its wrath. Jim Gallagher ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH 2-14-10 Read More

♦ On tax day, it is good to remember a Charles Schultz a quote from the Peanuts comic strip: “No problem is so big or so complicated it can’t be run away from.”

♦ Two things in life are inevitable: death and taxes. We can’t say for certain when death will come. Tax day, however, is usually April 15, unless it falls on a weekend or holiday. Tracy Brunner, Standard-Examiner 3-12-12

♦ In this new, improved era, we can sweat over a computer keyboard and unfamiliar software program the night of April 15, then spill cold coffee into our computer, resulting in a shower of sparks and a small fire.— Steve Brewer  Albuquerque Tribune Columnist, March 30, 2006

♦ The IRS allows you to file for an automatic extension and file your return 6 months after the April 15 deadline. What if your doctor informed you that you that you had terminal illness and you were unlikely to live to April 15, but you could file for an automatic extension and be given to October 15?

♦ The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well-dressed kid, saying, “Trick or Treat!” The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, “I’m an IRS agent.” Then he takes 40 percent of the man’s candy, leaves, and doesn’t say thank you.

♦  Q. What does it take to be a good tax professional?

A. Two things – grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

♦  A Washington tax lawyer goes to Texas to give a speech. He arrives at his hotel late and tired having undergone a strip search at Washington National after his pen set off the metal detector. After check-in at the hotel he goes down to the hotel bar for well-deserved nightcap. The tax lawyer ordered a shot of whiskey and the bartender brought him a 12 oz. glass of whiskey. He inquired: What is this? The bar tender responded: Everything is big in Texas. He drank the whiskey and since he was still not relaxed he ordered a beer. The bartender brought a 64 oz. glass of beer. Once again the tax lawyer asked: What is this? The bar tender again responded: Everything is big in Texas. The lawyer drank it. Now by this time the tax lawyer really needed to go to a bathroom so he asked for directions from the bartender. He was told go down the hall and turn left at the third door . Unfortunately the tax lawyer was a little tipsy from the shot and a beer and he turned right at the third door and  fell into the hotel swimming pool. He immediately shouted Don’t flush it!!!

♦  A few years ago, a lot of taxpayers invested in tax shelters to save taxes. The biggest problem with most tax shelters is that they leaked.

♦  Filing taxes is on par with going to the dentist or arguing with the DMV. It’s tedious, time-consuming and potentially expensive. FOX Business, Stephen Vanderpool, Nerd Wallet, 3-08-13

♦  The Joker on Batman: the Animated Series: “I’m crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS? No, thank you!”  From comment of Jim Gilbert, CPA Trendlines, 2-28-13

♦  Q:  What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

A:  Depreciation.

♦  Unless we wish to hamper the people in their right to earn a living, we must have tax reform. — President Calvin Coolidge

♦  It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink. — Dave Barry

♦  On April 15th you count your blessings . . . and then send them to Washington.

♦  We picked the wrong day for April Fool. I would have chosen April 15.  Steve Maple 3-27-09

♦  “Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” –Jimmy Kimmel courtesy of Barbara D’Amato

♦  But one must take pride in paying up every April 15. Look at it this way: If you don’t spend your dollars on the IRS, you’d probably just squander it on foolish things, like food, rent . . Cindy Adams, NY Post, 3-29-09

♦  April 15 is lurking around the corner, so if you have yet to file your federal tax return, it’s time to set aside a few hours, gather together your financial records, and flee the country. Dave Barry

♦  The good news for taxpayers is that the smartest tax experts don’t work for the IRS. They were smart enough to realize that taxpayers will pay more to keep their money than the government will pay to collect it.

♦  What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that’s where we must focus our efforts. Dave Barry, Column, April 6, 2003

♦  I think that one of the scariest letters one can receive is the one from the Internal Revenue Service. Greg Roberts, Aiken Standard, 3-3-13

♦  The chaplains who pray for the United States Senate and the House of Representatives might speak a word now and then on behalf of the taxpayers.

♦  When the time comes for the meek to inherit the earth, taxes will most likely be so high that they won’t want it.

♦  A man dies and goes to hell and is shocked to see his former tax lawyer entwined with a beautiful woman while everyone else roasts in eternal flames. So he calls over the nearest demon and asks how come the tax lawyer gets a girl while he just gets fried. The demon glances over and shouts “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”