♦ On my income tax Form 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. — Tom Lehrer
♦ Suggested simplified tax form: How much money did you make last year? Mail it in. — Stanton Delaplane
♦ Jokes that tax accountants tell their children:
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9
♦ Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2013 tax return showing that I owe $3, 407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1. 5″ Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5″ Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
♦ A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51: 2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52: 3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
♦ Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag. — Jay Leno