Tag Archive for Tax Humor

A Collection… The Humorous Side of Tax… (18)

Each year during tax season I post some of my favorite tax quotes and tax humor on TaxConnections.  Enjoy!

♦ “I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.”   Elvis Presley

♦ When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is. – Oscar Wilde

♦ “The tax code is so complex and the forms are so complicated, that I know I cannot have any confidence that I know what is being requested and therefore I cannot and do not know, Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Part 13

♦ The government is really asking a lot of us this month – first we’re supposed to count how many people live in our home, then we’re supposed to count how much money we owe them. I actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS. Sorry, grandma. (Jimmy Kimmel)

♦ What’s a shy and retiring accountant?
One that’s half-a-million shy and that’s why he’s retiring.

♦ A tax accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?” Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Christmas Edition

♦ Nobody likes taxes, but they’ve been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family’s frankincense.”

♦ What do cannibal tax accountants do at their Office Christmas Dinner?
Toast their clients.

♦ What is Father Christmas’s tax status?
Elf-employed.

♦ How does Santa’s tax accountant value his sleigh?
Net PRESENT Value. Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Part 12

♦ “People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.”  — Anonymous

♦ When your ship comes in, it’s always docked by the Government.

♦ Income tax is Uncle Sam’s version of “Truth or Consequences.”

♦ It’s hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

♦ Suggested simplified tax form: How much money did you make last year? Mail it in. — Stanton Delaplane

♦ “Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Halloween Edition

♦ It’s Halloween and when the man answers his door, there’s a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says “Trick or treat”. The man’s a bit confused so he asks the boy what he’s dressed up as. “I’m an IRS agent”, says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.

♦ Tax Accountant to his trick or treating child:

“If I’m going to take you all over the neighborhood begging for candy, then yes, I’m going to take half… it’s called a “Candy Tax”.

♦ Tax Payer to the Grim Reaper: Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Part 11

♦ An investor went to a tax expert and said: “If I give you $1,000, will you answer two questions?” The expert replied: “Certainly. And what is the other question?”

♦ Q: How do you humble a person that flaunts their wealth?
A: Have them fill out a tax return.

♦ America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

♦ IRS MOTTO: “We’re not happy until you’re not happy!”

♦ Did you hear about the cannibal tax accountant? She charges an arm and a leg.

♦ A window sign in Chicago: “Tax Returns Prepared – Honest Mistakes Are Our Specialty.” Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Part 9

♦ America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

♦ It’s hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

♦ Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

♦ The fourth of July, 1776 – that’s when we declared our freedom from unfair British taxation. Then, in 1777, we started our own system of unfair taxation.

♦ When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case Heaven is like the IRS.

♦ The best things in life are free – plus tax, of course. Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Part 8

♦ On my income tax Form 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. — Tom Lehrer

♦ Suggested simplified tax form: How much money did you make last year? Mail it in. — Stanton Delaplane

♦ Jokes that tax accountants tell their children:
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9

♦ Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2013 tax return showing that I owe $3, 407.00 in taxes. Please Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Part 7

♦ Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

♦ Income tax forms should be printed on Kleenex
because so many of us have to pay through the nose.

♦ Q: Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

♦ “Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.” – Jay Leno Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Part 6

♦ Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, but a treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it. – Jimmy Kimmel

♦ Regis Philbin is back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled to ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’ – Jimmy Fallon

♦ The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell. – Craig Ferguson

♦ Abracadabra, thus we learn the more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you’re given, the less you lead, the more you’re driven, the more destroyed, the Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Part 5

♦ Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. Conan O’Brien

♦ Where do homeless tax accountants live? In a tax shelter.

♦ Receptionist: “There’s an invisible client in reception”.
Tax Accountant: “Tell them I’m sorry but I can’t see them today.”

♦ A tax accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?” He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.” When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that” and goes home very Read More

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The Unknown Tax Comic – Part 4

♦ Tax Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn’t be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking.”

♦ Excellence is a good habit. But do not strive for perfection – it will prevent you from ever finishing anything. – Eva Rosenberg

♦ Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS” – Unknown

♦ A tax accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai’s. The lawyer started telling the tax accountant how he came to be there. “I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here. “The tax Read More

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