♦ Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

♦ Income tax forms should be printed on Kleenex
because so many of us have to pay through the nose.

♦ Q: Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

♦ “Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.” – Jay Leno Read More

♦ Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, but a treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it. – Jimmy Kimmel

♦ Regis Philbin is back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled to ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’ – Jimmy Fallon

♦ The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell. – Craig Ferguson

♦ Abracadabra, thus we learn the more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you’re given, the less you lead, the more you’re driven, the more destroyed, the Read More

♦ Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. Conan O’Brien

♦ Where do homeless tax accountants live? In a tax shelter.

♦ Receptionist: “There’s an invisible client in reception”.
Tax Accountant: “Tell them I’m sorry but I can’t see them today.”

♦ A tax accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?” He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.” When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that” and goes home very Read More

♦ Tax Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn’t be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking.”

♦ Excellence is a good habit. But do not strive for perfection – it will prevent you from ever finishing anything. – Eva Rosenberg

♦ Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS” – Unknown

♦ A tax accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai’s. The lawyer started telling the tax accountant how he came to be there. “I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here. “The tax Read More

♦ What’s the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

♦ And the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
Jail.

♦ A good tax return is like a good mystery novel. You follow the clues, make deductions, and arrive at a profitable conclusion. – Eva Rosenberg

♦ A tax accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that’s not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. “What sort of accountant were you?” “Oh, I was a CPA”, was the reply. “Name?” asks St. Pete. The accountant gives Read More

♦ If a tax accountant’s wife can’t get to sleep, what does she do?
Leans over to her husband and says “Tell me about work today, honey.”

♦ A lady goes to see her doctor with some very worrisome symptoms. After examining her, he says, “I’m terribly sorry to tell you this, but you only have six months to live.” The lady is very distraught, “Oh doctor, what should I do”, she asks. The doctor says, “I advise you to marry a CPA.””Will that make me live longer?”, she asks, hopefully. “No, ” says the doctor. “But it will seem longer.”

♦ A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division. He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply Read More