♦ “People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.”  — Anonymous

♦ When your ship comes in, it’s always docked by the Government.

♦ Income tax is Uncle Sam’s version of “Truth or Consequences.”

♦ It’s hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

♦ Suggested simplified tax form: How much money did you make last year? Mail it in. — Stanton Delaplane

♦ “Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS Read More

♦ It’s Halloween and when the man answers his door, there’s a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says “Trick or treat”. The man’s a bit confused so he asks the boy what he’s dressed up as. “I’m an IRS agent”, says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.

♦ Tax Accountant to his trick or treating child:

“If I’m going to take you all over the neighborhood begging for candy, then yes, I’m going to take half… it’s called a “Candy Tax”.

♦ Tax Payer to the Grim Reaper: Read More

♦ An investor went to a tax expert and said: “If I give you $1,000, will you answer two questions?” The expert replied: “Certainly. And what is the other question?”

♦ Q: How do you humble a person that flaunts their wealth?
A: Have them fill out a tax return.

♦ America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

♦ IRS MOTTO: “We’re not happy until you’re not happy!”

♦ Did you hear about the cannibal tax accountant? She charges an arm and a leg.

♦ A window sign in Chicago: “Tax Returns Prepared – Honest Mistakes Are Our Specialty.” Read More

♦ America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

♦ It’s hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

♦ Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

♦ The fourth of July, 1776 – that’s when we declared our freedom from unfair British taxation. Then, in 1777, we started our own system of unfair taxation.

♦ When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case Heaven is like the IRS.

♦ The best things in life are free – plus tax, of course. Read More

♦ On my income tax Form 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. — Tom Lehrer

♦ Suggested simplified tax form: How much money did you make last year? Mail it in. — Stanton Delaplane

♦ Jokes that tax accountants tell their children:
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9

♦ Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2013 tax return showing that I owe $3, 407.00 in taxes. Please Read More

♦ Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

♦ Income tax forms should be printed on Kleenex
because so many of us have to pay through the nose.

♦ Q: Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

♦ “Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.” – Jay Leno Read More

♦ Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, but a treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it. – Jimmy Kimmel

♦ Regis Philbin is back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled to ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’ – Jimmy Fallon

♦ The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell. – Craig Ferguson

♦ Abracadabra, thus we learn the more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you’re given, the less you lead, the more you’re driven, the more destroyed, the Read More

♦ Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. Conan O’Brien

♦ Where do homeless tax accountants live? In a tax shelter.

♦ Receptionist: “There’s an invisible client in reception”.
Tax Accountant: “Tell them I’m sorry but I can’t see them today.”

♦ A tax accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?” He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.” When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that” and goes home very Read More

♦ Tax Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn’t be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking.”

♦ Excellence is a good habit. But do not strive for perfection – it will prevent you from ever finishing anything. – Eva Rosenberg

♦ Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS” – Unknown

♦ A tax accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai’s. The lawyer started telling the tax accountant how he came to be there. “I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here. “The tax Read More

♦ What’s the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

♦ And the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?

♦ A good tax return is like a good mystery novel. You follow the clues, make deductions, and arrive at a profitable conclusion. – Eva Rosenberg

♦ A tax accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that’s not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. “What sort of accountant were you?” “Oh, I was a CPA”, was the reply. “Name?” asks St. Pete. The accountant gives Read More

♦ If a tax accountant’s wife can’t get to sleep, what does she do?
Leans over to her husband and says “Tell me about work today, honey.”

♦ A lady goes to see her doctor with some very worrisome symptoms. After examining her, he says, “I’m terribly sorry to tell you this, but you only have six months to live.” The lady is very distraught, “Oh doctor, what should I do”, she asks. The doctor says, “I advise you to marry a CPA.””Will that make me live longer?”, she asks, hopefully. “No, ” says the doctor. “But it will seem longer.”

♦ A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division. He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply Read More

♦ “65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.” (Jay Leno)

♦ When does a person decide to become a tax accountant?
When he realizes that he doesn’t have the charisma to become an undertaker.

♦ Why did the tax accountant cross the road?
To bore the people on the other side.

♦ What does a tax accountant use for birth control?
His personality. Read More