♦ It’s that wonderful time of year when the flowers bloom, the weather warms, and the taxman cometh. Sam Bari, Jamestown Press, 4-18-12

♦ Yes, every year, despite my best intentions, I wind up rushing to complete my returns at the last minute. A dark cloud and a constant nagging doubt haunt the entire first quarter of every year. Danny Tyree, Summit Daily, 4-13-14

♦ An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and internet and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, internet, and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

♦ People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide. ATTRIBUTION: Will Rogers (1879–1935), U.S. humorist. “Helping the Girls with Their Income Taxes,” The Illiterate Digest (1924).

♦ Two guys walked into a bar late one afternoon and noticed that, among the few customers, was one guy sitting quietly in the shadows at the end of the bar. The two ordered some beers. The bartender brought them and said, “that will be 50 cents please.” They started a tab and a short time later ordered two more beers and again they were charged 25 cents each. The two could not believe the good deal and after having a third beer for the same price, they decided to ask the bartender what the catch was. The bartender replied, “there is no catch, gentlemen. I have just started brewing this beer on site and I am selling it below cost to introduce it to my customers. I am happy to see that you enjoy the beer.” Indeed, they noticed that almost everyone was enjoying the beer and the remarkable price except for the one man at the end of the bar. He had not ordered anything since the two came in. Becoming very curious about the guy at the end of the bar, the two asked the bartender, “Doesn’t he ever order anything?” “Oh yes,” said the bartender. “That is Sam Smith our local tax preparer. He is just waiting for happy hour.”